埃默里大学招生办:优秀个人陈述分享(一)

埃默里大学招生办:优秀个人陈述分享(一)

一篇好的个人陈述,往往能够给招生官们留下深刻印象,为申请加分。但是,怎样才算是一篇优秀的个人陈述呢?能给人留下深刻印象的个人陈述应该做到哪些方面?针对这一点,埃默里大学招生办的招生官们为我们分享了几篇来自往年成功申请上默哀立大学的申请者的优秀个人陈述,并附上了他们为什么觉得该个人陈述足够优秀的原因,希望能给申请者们启发,写出一篇脱颖而出的个人陈述。

无论你是否申请这间大学,以下范例都会对你有所帮助!

本文由InVisor翻译自埃默里大学招生办博客。喜欢请点赞支持哦!




优秀个人陈述1:使用真实的轶事
题目:有些学生的背景、身份、兴趣或才能非常有意义,他们认为如果没有这些,他们的申请将是不完整的。如果这听起来像你,那么请分享你的故事。
正文:
In the fourth grade, I had a dream: I walked into Mrs. Ferris’ sunlight-filled English class wearing a headscarf over my school uniform, a navy polo and a grey, pleated skirt. Black leggings covered my skinny legs and a long white undershirt covered my scrawny arms. I interacted with my friends as normal, talking about nothing of real importance. In this deceitfully innocent figment of my imagination, the change inside of me was undeniable. Allah held a specific interest in the price of my soul, and I would offer it to Him.
在四年级的时候,我有一个梦想:我走进费里斯夫人阳光明媚的英语课课堂,头上带着头巾,下面穿着校服——海军蓝色的polo衫和灰色的百褶裙。黑色的打底裤盖住了我瘦骨嶙峋的腿,白色的长汗衫盖住了我骨瘦如柴的胳膊。我像往常一样和朋友们交流,谈论一些不重要的事情。在我想象的这个虚假天真的虚构场景中,我内心的变化是不可否认的。安拉对我灵魂的价值有着特殊的兴趣,我愿意把它奉献给他。
Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so foolish to believe I could carry the weight of Islam on my back in the heart of the Bible Belt without being crushed.
有时我在想,我怎么会如此愚蠢地认为,我可以身在圣经带却把伊斯兰教的重担背在身上而不被压垮。
At nine years old, I petitioned my parents to start wearing hijab, the Arabic term for the veil Muslim women wear. I wrote lists of pros and cons (including: “boys won’t think I’m pretty,” “friends won’t like me,” “friends will have to like me for who I am,” and “don’t have to do hair in the morning”). Armed with an abundance of beautiful, handmade scarves, designed to stop my beauty from distracting the world from my intellect, I was ready. I thought I was prepared for womanhood.
在我九岁的时候,我请求我的父母让我开始戴面纱,就是那种阿拉伯穆斯林妇女戴的面纱。我列出了一些利弊 (包括:“男孩们不会觉得我漂亮”、“朋友们不会喜欢我”、“朋友们必须喜欢真实的我”和“早上不用梳头”)。我准备好了大量漂亮的手工围巾,为了防止世人看不到我的智慧而过多关注于我的美貌。我曾以为我已经为成为女人做好了准备。
I could not have imagined how hyper-conscious I would be of the fabric on my head. I felt the stares of strangers, judging me for the crimes of radicals faraway. The layers of clothing scorched my skin during soccer practice. My nickname, “towelhead,” echoed in my mind. I felt an isolating physical disparity between me and everyone around me: I covered my hair. They did not.
我从未想到过我会对自己头上的布料这么敏感。我感觉到陌生人的注目,他们在远处以穆斯林激进分子的罪过来评论我。在足球训练中,我身上一层层衣服要把我的皮肤都烤焦了。我的绰号“毛巾头”一直在我的脑海中回荡。我感觉到自己和周围的每个人之间都存在着生理差距:我遮住了头发。他们没有。
The longer I wore the headscarf, the further it slipped down my head, showing more and more of the hair that my non-Muslim friends so frequently told me I should show off. My clothes grew so tight they suffocated me. This symbol of modesty and pure religion became nothing but a piece of cloth.
我戴头巾的时间越长,它就越往下坠,露出越来越多的头发。我的非穆斯林朋友经常告诉我,我应该把头发露出来。我的衣服变得紧绷,快要使我窒息。这种谦逊和纯洁宗教的象征,除了一块布以外什么都不是。
During sophomore year of high school, after gradual stages of escalating discussion and discomfort, I made the ultimate decision to stop wearing the headscarf. It no longer accurately reflected my identity. The world did not see me anymore; they only saw a headscarf. I assumed that this decision would be my liberation; but I was soon transferred to a new prison of public opinion. I became a glorified piece of meat as I walked into the gates of the Randolph football game, petted and gaped at and given all too much attention for someone in her typical environment. My noble cause of personal improvement was degraded to lunch room gossip and superficial professions of support as everyone pretended to understand something as incomprehensible as feelings and emotions. Ironically, now that I looked the same as any other teenage girl, I felt farther away than ever.
高二的时候,争议和不适不断升级,我最终决定不再戴头巾。终于,它不再准确地反映我的身份。整个世界看不到我的存在,他们只看到了一条头巾。我以为这个决定能将我解放,但我很快就被关进了舆论的新监狱。当我走进伦道夫足球比赛的大门时,我变成了一块放着光的肉,被爱抚着,被孤立着,被给予了太多超过普通人的关注。我个人进步的崇高事业被降级为午餐期间的闲聊和肤浅的支持,因为每个人都假装着去理解一些像感觉和情绪这样令人费解的事情。最讽刺的是,现在我看起来和其他任何一个十几岁的女孩没有区别,但我感到比以往任何时候都要遥远。
I am the product of a conservative family residing in the Deep South. These often contradictory belief systems of my family and of the people around me have shaped me into an individual who refuses to be lumped into generalities, negative or positive. No cause, no religion, no mantra is worth sacrificing personal legitimacy. As a result of my approach towards culture and spirituality not fitting exactly under any specific umbrella, I have learned to find my peace in thinking differently than those around me rather than shying away from my thoughts. The difficult decisions I made regarding the hijab are a reflection of my dedication to being true to myself and what is right. But what exactly is right? And who am I? I am still figuring those questions out.
我居住在南方腹地的保守家庭。我的家庭和周围人的信仰体系常常相互矛盾,把我塑造成了一个拒绝被分类的个体,不管是积极方面的还是消极方面的。没有理由,没有宗教,没有值得牺牲个人的合法性。由于我对文化和精神的态度并不完全符合任何特定的范畴,我学会了用不同于周围人的方式去思考,不回避自己的想法,从而找到了内心的平静。我所做的关于头巾的艰难决定反映了我对真实的自己和何为正确的挣扎和寻找。但究竟什么才是正确的呢?我是谁?我仍然还在想方设法解决那些问题。


某招生官反馈:
在读完成百上千份论述后,我很感激能读到这么一份诚恳又有趣的文章。她的文章之所以能通过审核是因为写得很棒又有趣,而且能让我很直观地感受到她的个性。
她把她自己展示给我看,而不是直白的讲出来。通过这件小趣事,我看到了一个聪明的、有自我意识的、会质疑的而且诚实正直的学生——所有事情都是无法虚构出来的。这就是她真正的样子。我能够想象到她在我们的班上进行演讲,我知道她在我们学校社团中也会很受欢迎。
这个主题的选择也很好,因为它不会显得夸张做作。此外,她还向我展示了自己的另一面,这是我在其他申请中都没有见过的。
通常,学生们会陷入一个误区,试图为他们的文章想出或创造一个有意义的主题。或者,他们走相反的路线,给我一份段落形式的简历。
如果一份文章读起来像是捏造的,或是没有什么新鲜感,它整个目的(展示学生的个性和声音)就失败了。这篇文章为我去了解这个申请人提供了坚实的基础。


优秀个人陈述2:从失败中学习
题目:我们从失败中吸取的教训对以后的成功是至关重要的。描述一个你经历失败的事件或经历。它是如何影响你的?你从这次经历中学到了什么?
正文:
Miss Linda’s living room. It was the lair of a black dragon, an uncontrollable beast that humiliated all who dared to cross its path. Yet, week after week, I would journey into its cave, sit before its gaping mouth, place my fingers on it white, daunting teeth, and wait for the torture to begin—my piano lesson.
琳达小姐的客厅是一条黑龙的巢穴。那是一只无法控制的野兽,它会羞辱所有胆敢穿过它的路的人。然而,每周,我都需要走进它的洞穴,坐在它张着的大嘴面前,把我的手指放在它洁白的、令人生畏的牙齿上,等待折磨开始——我的钢琴课。
Despite my parents’ threats and bribery, I didn’t want to play. I loathed every minute I sat on the piano bench struggling through scales, arpeggios, and yet another piece. Most of all, I hated the fact that I felt like an utter failure.
尽管有父母的威胁和利诱,我都不想弹钢琴。我讨厌坐在钢琴凳上的每一分钟,在那里挣扎着弹奏音阶、琶音和其他曲子。最重要的是,我讨厌那种自己是个彻头彻尾的失败者的感觉。
So I quit. Fed up with my constant begging and screaming, my parents stopped forcing me into the lair of the beast, but not without reminding me that I was throwing away something truly valuable. They were, of course, correct.
所以我停止了弹琴。我的父母受够了我无休止的祈求和尖叫,不再强迫我进入那个野兽的巢穴。但他们也提醒了我,我将扔掉一些真正有价值的东西。当然,他们是对的。
As a condition of quitting lessons, I agreed to continue playing on my own. I would occasionally sit down at the piano—just often enough to appease my parents—and play simple, fun songs that kept the music in my fingers but didn’t challenge me. Nothing more.
作为停课的条件,我同意继续自己弹钢琴。我偶尔会坐在钢琴前——通常都是为了满足我父母——弹一些简单、有趣的歌曲,这些乐曲就在我的手指间跳跃,但并不会让我觉得很难。仅此而已。
A few years later, a family friend requested that I give her daughter, Grace, a few lessons. I had no interest in subjecting anyone else to drudgery of piano lessons, but I was eager to earn some cash. I reluctantly agreed. Surprisingly, I found myself looking forward to giving Grace a lesson each week and eagerly selecting pieces she might like to learn. I truly began to regret quitting my own piano lessons. I started playing the piano more and more often and selecting more complex pieces, not just for Grace but also for myself. I didn’t see the instrument as a horrifying dragon anymore but as an outlet for my emotions and a source of pleasure, I happily began to rebuild my repertoire and improve my technique, working through the hard parts this time and realizing that the hard work only made me better.
几年后,我的一个氏族朋友想让我给她女儿格蕾丝上几节钢琴课。我没有兴趣让别人去学钢琴,但我很想挣点钱。于是乎,我不情愿地同意了。令人惊讶的是,我发现自己很期待每周给格雷斯上课,并热切地挑选她可能乐意去学的曲子。我开始后悔当初放弃自己的钢琴课。我开始越来越频繁地弹钢琴,选择更复杂的曲子,不仅仅是为了格雷斯,也是为了我自己。我不再认为这个乐器是可怕的龙,而是把它当作我情感的宣泄之处和快乐的源泉,我很高兴地开始重新练习我的基本曲目,提高弹琴技巧。通过这次努力,我意识到努力会让我变得更好。
As the months went on, I wanted to share my newfound passion with others besides Grace. I wanted to share music with kids who didn’t necessarily have the opportunity for lessons, so I started a piano program at an inner-city school in Dayton—three miles and a world away from my safe, comfortable upbringing. Each week, I volunteer and give private piano lessons to four girls at the school, each from a different cultural background.
几个月过去了,我想和格蕾丝以外的人分享我对钢琴重新燃起的激情。我想和那些没有机会上钢琴课的孩子们分享音乐,所以我在距离我家三英里之遥的代顿市内的一所学校开始了我的钢琴教学。每周,我都在学校里做志愿者,给四个来自不同文化背景的女孩提供私人钢琴课程。
On the first day of the lessons, my students tentatively placed their small fingers on the keyboard I had brought with me. I nervously watched as wide grins spread across their faces.
上课的第一天,学生们试探着把他们的小手放在我带来的键盘上。我紧张地看着,他们脸上绽开了大大的笑容。
That was over a year ago. The girls still look forward to their weekly lessons in Miss Elizabeth’s piano room, and I look forward to seeing them and the joy they get from the same activity that had once brought me such misery. To them, music is a privilege, but its really my privilege to be their teacher. I’ve also become their mentor, someone they come to with their second-grade problems and look to for encouragement and answers. I’m a familiar face at their school, and I love the sheepish smiles and random hugs I receive as I walk down the halls. There will surely be even more hugs this year as another teenage teacher and more students join the program.
那是一年多以前的事了。姑娘们仍然盼望着每周到伊丽莎白小姐的钢琴室上课,而我也盼望着见到她们,期待着她们能从曾经给我带来痛苦的活动中得到快乐。对他们来说,音乐是一种快乐,但能成为他们的老师却是我的快乐。我也成了他们的导师,他们带着二年级的问题来找我,寻求鼓励和答案。在他们的学校,我是一张熟悉的面孔,我喜欢当我走在走廊上时,他们对我露出腼腆的微笑和随意的拥抱。今年肯定会有更多的拥抱,因为又有一位十几岁的老师和更多的学生加入了这个项目。
Ultimately, failure is really about success. Playing the piano has taught me that anything worth having requires hard work and humility. It takes courage and creativity to make the most of the opportunities that failure brings. Truly sharing yourself and your experiences with others is the key to bridging great differences—age, economics, culture—and changing not only someone else’s life but also your own. Never again will I pass up an opportunity to learn more, do more, or be more than I already am.
最终,失败其实就是成功。弹钢琴教会了我任何值得拥有的东西都需要努力和谦逊。充分利用失败带来的机会是需要勇气和创造力的。真正地与他人分享你自己和你的经历,是弥合巨大差异——年龄、经济、文化的关键——这不仅能改变别人的生活,也能改变你自己的生活。我再也不会错过任何一个可以学习更多、做得更多、做得更好的机会。


某招生官反馈:
我喜欢这篇文章,因为我被第二行末尾吸引住了。我的意思是,不只是因为我对她开头几句话的主题很感兴趣,而是因为她巧妙地运用了一种创造性的写作工具来吸引她的读者,这给我留下了深刻的印象,而这一点在申请论文中并不常见。
伊丽莎白没有以一种保守的形式将这篇文章写成分享自己学生时代成功经验的文章,而是采取了一种更具创造性的方式,利用这篇文章来讲述一个故事。此外,她的形象和语调描绘了一幅非常清晰的画面:你可以想象她坐在钢琴前的样子,或与父母争吵的样子。我喜欢看到学生们能够充分利用他们所掌握的写作技巧来进行写作。
而且,这篇文章也很诚实。人们可以读到她的作品后问,“她为什么要告诉招生官她有多讨厌弹钢琴?这难道不会给她带来负面影响吗?“通过坦诚自己不喜欢弹钢琴,她透露出即使掩盖真相似乎更容易或更受欢迎这种情况下,她自己仍然会说实话的这种性格。
通过她的文章,我了解到一些关于该申请人的信息,这些信息不会通过申请的其他部分体现出来——不管别人怎么想,她都要掌控自己的情绪。这使得我们不得不去思考学校团体如何能从这样一个人的课堂和参与中受益。

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