埃默里大学招生办:优秀个人陈述分享(二)

埃默里大学招生办:优秀个人陈述分享(二)

无论你是否申请这间大学,以下范例都会对你有所帮助!

一篇好的个人陈述,往往能够给招生官们留下深刻印象,为申请加分。但是,怎样才算是一篇优秀的个人陈述呢?能给人留下深刻印象的个人陈述应该做到哪些方面?针对这一点,埃默里大学招生办的招生官们为我们分享了几篇来自往年成功申请上默哀立大学的申请者的优秀个人陈述,并附上了他们为什么觉得该个人陈述足够优秀的原因,希望能给申请者们启发,写出一篇脱颖而出的个人陈述。

本文由InVisor翻译自埃默里大学招生办博客。喜欢请点赞支持哦!




优秀个人陈述3:展现你的激情
题目:描述一个你已经解决或想要解决的问题。这可能是一个智力上的挑战,一个研究疑问,一个道德困境——任何对个人来说重要的事情,无论大小。解释出它对你的重要性,以及你采取了什么措施或可以采取什么措施来确定解决方案。
正文:
Slaying Visigoths and apprehending secret agents made me realize that I have a problem with my dreams. During my junior year, who of the roles I played were Pippin in the musical “Pippin” and Richard Hannay in the Play “The 39 Steps.” Pippin is a young, erudite prince who has an overwhelming drive to do something meaningful and fulfilling with his life but hasn’t the slightest idea what that could be. He experiments with war, fame, politics, sexuality, art and religion until he settles down and lives an “ordinary” life. Richard Hannay, conversely, was leading a quiet, successful, boring life until adventure and intrigue literally shot at him out of the blue, giving him a ride James Bond would envy. He too comes to the conclusion that tranquility with a loving wife is preferable to constant dangerous exploits. I am faced with Pippin and Richard’s problem: how do I know what dreams are worthy of chasing?
屠杀西哥特人事件和逮捕特工事件让我意识到我的梦想是存在问题的。在我大三的时候,我曾扮演过音乐剧《皮平》中的皮平和戏剧《三十九步》中的理查德·汉内。皮平是一位年轻博学的王子,他有一股一往无前的动力去做一些有意义的、有成就感的事情,但他根本不知道这些事情可能意味着什么。他尝试过战争、名望、政治、性、艺术和宗教,直到他安定下来,过着“普通”的生活。与之相反,理查德·汉内过着平静、成功且枯燥的生活,直到冒险和阴谋突然击中了他,然后他的经历让詹姆斯·邦德都嫉妒不已。他也得出了这样的结论:与其经历接连不断的危险,他宁愿与相爱的妻子宁静的生活。而我也面临着皮平和理查德的问题:我如何知道什么是值得追求的梦想?
Acting compels performers to have insight into their own character, not just the one way they are currently portraying. After playing Pippin and Richard, I contemplated what it means to be ordinary, and discovered I am as repelled by the idea as they once were. As a teenager, the thought of settling down with a family has not once crossed my mind, nor does it seem truly special or fulfilling. Pippin, Richard, and I all have one common character trait: unrequited yearning. We feel that life isn’t meaningful unless we fulfill our burning desire to make a mark on the world and do something truly spectacular. To me, it seems like a concession when both Pippin and Richard decide to settle with a family and live peaceful lives in obscurity; that isn’t a viable solution to my dilemma.
表演迫使表演者洞察自己的性格,而不仅仅是目前扮演角色的方式。在扮演了皮平和理查德之后,我开始思考平凡意味着什么,并发现我和曾经的他们一样,对这个想法感到厌恶。作为一个十几岁的孩子,我从来没有想过要成家安定下来,这看起来既不特别,也不令人满足。皮平、理查德和我都有一个共同的性格特点:有着得不到回应的渴望。我们觉得生活没有意义,除非我们满足了自己的强烈愿望——能在这个世界上留下属于我们的印记,做一些真正惊人的事情。对我来说,当皮平和理查德决定成家安定下来,默默无闻地过着平静的生活时,这似乎是一种妥协;这对我的困境来说并不是一个可行的解决办法。
In America today, there is an overwhelming expectation to have a direction or set plan regarding personal aspirations. We are continually bombarded with advertisements, media messages and social pressure endorsing the notion that young people can be anything they want to be. Many around me are already locked onto such tracts toward what they think will make them happy ad bring them fulfillment.
在如今的美国,人们普遍期望可以有一个关于个人抱负的方向或既定计划。我们不断受到广告、媒体信息和社会压力的轰炸,支持着“年轻人想做什么就做什么”的观点。我周围的许多人已经被困在他们觉得自己快乐,可以给他们自己满足感的地带。
But how can they be certain their plans will succeed?
但是他们怎么能确定他们的计划会成功呢?
To an extent, I can understand why Pippin and Richard settled on family life: it made them happy. And what’s the point of living, of going about quotidian routine, ceaselessly toiling toward something that doesn’t truly bring happiness? Despite meeting all of society’s expectations and attaining wealth, Pippin and Richard were both unfulfilled and depressed. Just like those characters, I know that there is something out there that isn’t so mercenary that fosters a sense of meaning and fulfillment.
在某种程度上,我可以理解为什么皮平和理查德会选择家庭生活:这让他们感到很幸福。生活的意义何在,日复一日,不断地为那些不能真正带来幸福的东西而奋斗,又有什么意义呢?尽管满足了社会的所有期望,获得了财富,皮平和理查德都没有得到满足和沮丧。就像那些角色一样,有些东西的存在并不是为了能获得利益,而是能培养一种意义感和成就感。
Who knows? Maybe my quest for profound consequence in life will lead me full circle back to the simple joys of humanity. But until then, I plan on writing every ounce of significance and excitement out of every extraordinary experience I can find. Why not chase all my dreams? While thinking of my future’s uncertainty once overwhelmed me with dread, it now instills me with enthusiasm for the unfamiliar roads waiting to be explored. In the words of Pippin, I know I have to search for my “corner of the sky.”
谁又知道呢?也许我对生活深远影响的追求会让我回到人类简单的快乐。但在那之前,我计划把我能找到的每一次非凡经历的每一分意义和兴奋都写下来。为什么不追逐我所有的梦想呢?当我想到未来的不确定性时,我曾经充满恐惧,但现在,它给我注入了探索未知道路的热情。用皮平的话来说,我知道自己必须去寻找属于我的“天空的一角”。

某招生人员反馈:
他的个人陈述之所以在我去年读过的所有声明中脱颖而出,是基于以下几个强有力的理由:
首先,读完这篇文章后,我理解了他与戏剧的关系,以及他为什么对戏剧如此热情。我立刻明白了他为什么选择它作为论文题目。很多时候,当我读到一些主题非常有趣的文章时,文章主体却缺少了真正的联系和对重要的个人解释。
其次,这篇文章通过他对自己在舞台上所塑造的角色的洞察,以及扮演这些角色的方式塑造了他自己的人生观,传达了他的求知欲和学科知识。这些特征是不能被伪造或捏造的。他展示了自己的深思熟虑、自省和自我意识,这些都是我从这篇文章中收集到的好的点,也是我在他申请的其他任何部分都不会看到的东西。
第三,写作水平很好。归根结底,我们并不会像你的高中老师那样仔细检查语法和句法,但我们总会欣赏那些词汇量丰富、句子结构多样、语言表达丰富的作文。
第四,他在文章中传达的信息表达了对探索和学习的兴趣,并展现出开放的思想,这对于我们的学校社团来说是非常宝贵的精神。他不确定生活的下一篇章将把他引向何方,但他对这段旅程的经历充满兴奋,并对各种结果都感到闲适。这篇文章让我很容易地想象出,他可以充分利用他在埃默里大学的时间、资源和机会。


优秀个人陈述4:把个人陈述当作对话
题目:有些学生的背景、身份、兴趣或才能非常有意义,他们认为如果没有这些,他们的申请将是不完整的。如果这听起来像你,那么请分享你的故事。
正文:
Eulogy for my Dear Friend Latin
致我亲爱的朋友拉丁文的悼词
I don’t know about you, but in my life, I never hear my parents say “defer tuam sordidam tibialem” (roughly translated, “bring down your dirty socks!”), and I never hear my friends yell “agamus ad Starbuckes” (“let’s go to Starbucks”). Nobody speaks Latin in everyday conversations because at some point in the last 1500 years or so, Latin became as dead as an early medieval doorknob.
我不知道你是什么样子的,但在我的生活中,我从未听我的父母说过“tuam sordidam tibialem”(大译是“把你的脏袜子拿下来!”),也从未听我的朋友喊过“agamus ad Starbuckes”(“我们去星巴克吧”)。没有人在日常对话中使用拉丁语,因为在过去1500年左右的某个时候,拉丁语就像中世纪早期的门把手一样消亡了。
A proper eulogy, therefore, appears long overdue. Ahem, here we go:
因此,一篇恰当的悼词姗姗来迟。嗯,我们开始吧:
I met Latin in sixth grade, and, at first, the two of us resembled oil and Dasani. Latin evoked feelings of dread, boredom, and helplessness—and that was on a good day. Memorizing the chants for noun declensions had not yet created a spark in my mind.
我六年级的时候认识了拉丁文,一开始,我们俩就像油和达萨尼。在一个美好的日子里,拉丁语唤起了我恐惧、厌倦和无助的感觉。背诵名词词形变化的颂歌还没有在我的脑海中产生火花。
In seventh and eighth grade, something began to change. I’m not sure if, as a student, I became a touch more serious or if, as a language, Latin became a bit more fun, but we started moving closer together. I also started to appreciate Latin’s presence outside of class. I saw Latin on an Aquafina bottle, on my friend’s ASICS shoes, and in the occasional movie. I decided that I would take Latin in high school, and I looked forward to the challenge.
在七年级和八年级时,事情开始发生了改变。我不确定自己作为一名学生是否变得更严肃了,还是拉丁语作为一门语言变得更加有趣,但不可否认,我们开始靠近彼此。我也开始欣赏拉丁语在课堂之外的存在——我在阿夸菲纳的瓶子上看到了拉丁文,在我朋友的亚瑟士鞋上看到了拉丁文,偶尔在电影里也看到了拉丁文。我决定在高中学习拉丁语,并且期待着这次挑战。
But then I moved from Minnesota to California and found myself in the epicenter of earthquakes, intensity, and bubble tea: Silicon Valley.
但后来我从明尼苏达州搬到了加利福尼亚州,发现自己身处地震、强度和珍珠奶茶的中心:硅谷。
In ninth grade, Latin stabbed me in the spinal column. I thought I knew Latin well, but it turns out I had never learned the vocabulary and grammar that I needed for high school Latin, at least in Silicon Valley. In the first six weeks of high school, I began in Latin 3 and then parachuted all the way down to Latin 1. I won’t burden you with the Latin word for “humble,” (okay, fine—its “humilis”), but that’s how I felt.
九年级时,拉丁语给了我重重一击。我原以为自己很懂拉丁语,但事实证明,我从来没有学过高中拉丁语所需的词汇和语法,至少在硅谷的时候是这样。在高中的前六周,我开始学拉丁文3,然后一路降到拉丁文1。我不会用“谦逊”的拉丁文(好吧,好吧——它的“屈辱”)来加重你的负担,但这就是我的感受。
I soon realized that I needed to become a more serious student if I wanted to win Latin over. And that’s when Latin helped me learn something about myself: I enjoy kicking into “intense” gear and diving deep into all the twists and turns inside this dead language. And as I spent more time with Latin, I appreciated that Latin was the only friend who had moved with me from Minnesota.
我很快意识到,如果我想要打败拉丁语,我需要成为一个更认真的学生。也正是在那时,拉丁语帮助我了解了自己:我喜欢进入“紧张”状态,然后深入到这门死语言的所有曲折中去。当我花更多的时间学习拉丁语时,我意识到拉丁语是唯一一个和我一起从明尼苏达州搬来的朋友。
My new friends wondered why I would study a dead language. They did not understand why I rejected French, Spanish, and other more popular languages. But I was at peace with embracing a language that was as quirky as I am. And in response to other people’s distaste towards Latin, I did my best to defend Latin’s honor, or at least Honors Latin.
我的新朋友们想知道我为什么要学习一门死语言。他们不明白我为什么拒绝法语、西班牙语和其他更受欢迎的语言,而是很平静地接受了一门和我一样古怪的语言。为了回应其他人对拉丁语的厌恶,我尽我最大的努力捍卫拉丁语的荣誉,至少是拉丁语毕业荣誉。
By the end of my sophomore year, I enjoyed Latin so much that I chose to spend my entire summer with Latin at Stanford University. We had a blast together. While in another new environment, I found comfort in Latin. Latin brought out the offbeat, nerdy side of me both in and outside of class.
在高一结束的时候,我非常喜欢拉丁语,所以我选择了在斯坦福大学和拉丁语一起度过了我的整个夏天。我们一起玩得很开心。在另一个新的环境中,我在拉丁语中找到了慰藉。无论是在课堂上还是课外,拉丁语都展现了我另类、书呆子的一面。
Fast forward to today: Latin is one of my best friends and I plan to bring it with me to college. While most people share my sixth-grade view of Latin, I no longer see it as a difficult and tedious language, but rather as an extension of my own personality. And while it pains me that Latin is a dead language, it still is very much alive in my life.
回到今天:拉丁语是我最好的朋友之一,我打算把它带进大学。虽然大多数人都认同我六年级时对拉丁语的看法,但我不再认为拉丁语是一门困难而乏味的语言,它是我个性的延伸。虽然拉丁语是一门死语言让我很痛苦,但它在我的生活中仍然非常有生命力。

某招生人员反馈:
招生过程中最令人难过的地方之一就是学生们似乎对写论文都有很大的压力。不要忘记,论文应该是这个过程中有趣的部分。每个申请人都有独特的品质、个性和潜力。想想是什么使你与众不同,然后让论文的内容和形式都能反映出真正的你。
一篇文章应该有一种即时性,就像直接的对话,而不是像操场上的电话游戏一样。这一篇文章成功地做到了这一点。当我读到这篇文章的时候,我仿佛感觉到作者在我们校园的星巴克里用她平常的日常语调和我面对面交谈。这篇文章写得既狡猾又饶舌。有一些博学的拉丁双关语,但却不会令人厌烦。作者的自嘲式幽默让这篇文章更像是一场对话,而不是一次面试。它没有过于正式或学术性。说到拉丁语,她显然很在行,但她来这里是为了向读者吐露心声,而不是为了给人留下深刻印象。
这篇文章的主题显然也是学生的一种与众不同的激情。这就是阅读这篇博客文章的非古典主义者应该学到的。在幽默和文字游戏的背后,就是一个非常普通的故事:一个学生找到了她的热情和成功的职业道德。不管你的写作水平有多高,这都是每个人都能讲述出来的故事。

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