InVisor留学导师说：注意避坑！这样的留学申请文书真的没人看！

掐指一算，本鸥发现自己已经帮助过上百个学生做留学申请，改过的文书也不下百篇啦~♪

然而尽管每次在让同学动笔之前，小鸥都会先安排几节文书辅导课给同学讲解文书撰写的注意事项，但依旧有部分同学把留学文书写作中的雷区踩得噼里啪啦响。所以这期文章中，小鸥就以几位小伙伴写过的个人陈述（PS）为例，给大家分享一些PS写作雷区和撰写建议，希望大家都能尽早排雷！

P.S. 以下例子都已经过文书当事人的同意，内容均已去除涉及个人隐私的信息，请大家放心食用ლ(´ڡ`ლ)

雷区一：描述过于冗长，陈词滥调，细节过多反而导致毫无看点。

Luckily, I met a senior who is graduated from the UCL and we had a very enjoyable talk. She shared a lot of personal experience of learning chemistry. After this meeting, I returned home, recalled her advice and thought over the matter more carefully and roundly. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that my interests in chemical properties and origin of life would best be explored in a double major of biology and chemistry.

这个例子真的太啰嗦啦！虽然我们提倡PS最好具备一定的故事性，但招生官并不会对你是“在听了xx学姐/学长的分享后喜欢上这个专业”感兴趣，也不会对你“如何回味xx学姐的分享”感兴趣。PS字数有限，例子一定要用在刀刃上！文书不需要这种过于细节的过程描述，而应该是直入中心的表达，告诉招生官为什么你会选择这个专业就可以了。

雷区二：主次不分，详略不当。

My enthusiasm for anthropology and academic research was initiated when I was in high school, and it keeps increasing throughout my undergraduate and graduate studies. My career goal is to pursue anthropological research where I’m able to contribute my lifelong passion and energy. For this reason, I’m applying to the doctoral program in anthropology at Queensland University to gain the comprehensive academic training needed for an anthropology profession.

在这个例子中，突出自己是在「何时」对人类学产生兴趣的这个point很好。但是除了说明时间之外，对人类学产生兴趣的「原因」更重要！上一个例子是太啰嗦，这个例子就是太过简单了！只有清晰地阐明申请动机，才能让招生官对你有印象并产生兴趣——每个申请”人类学“专业的学生都是出于对这门学科的兴趣，可为什么偏偏是你能被录取呢？此外，在本段例子中提到了自己的”职业目标“，但却没有深入展开，实在是太浪费了；而另一方面，从撰写一篇完整PS的结构来看，在第一段就cue”职业发展“有点为时过早。

雷区三：申请理由毫无说服力，辞藻堆砌，没有亮点。

Why should I apply to UCL? The first reason is the research topic that attracts me. Then it is located in central London. This great location possesses multi-culture and easy access to the advanced London health service. And I can have more chance to study in the hospitals - UCL offers the study opportunity of clinical services at University College London Hospitals (UCLH) and the Royal Free Hospital.

择校的原因在于精，而不在于多。地理位置优越、资源多这些本应是学校的招生广告，不应该成为你写在PS上的申请理由。PS是用来让招生官认识你这个人的，而不是让你用来重复一些招生官早就知道的学校讯息！择校原因多确实可以反映出申请者考虑全面，但只有将原因集中在最突出、最与众不同的地方，再择取其中一、两个深度吸引你的point来做支撑，才能形成足够深层次的合理理由，给招生官留下深刻印象。

雷区四：把PS变成另一篇CV，毫无记忆点。

To date, my leading internships were in real estate at XXX Real Estate company, wherein I learned about real estate investment development and financial investment mergers and acquisitions; other prominent internships were at XXX Bank and XXX Security Service Company. I learned that investment in any market entails exploring the company’s history, product status, financial and legal affairs, profitability, risk resistance, development prospects, industry prospects, and economic policy environment. I found all of this quite intriguing, furthering my resolve to pursue this subject area.

这个例子的表述结构过于单调，基本上都是“在xxx地方，我学到了xxx”的句式，使得整篇PS变成了一篇加长版的CV。句子结构过于单一，导致PS失去了活力和灵动力，这会让招生官认为你的英语水平很一般，同时也不会给招生官留下太深刻的印象。

雷区五：过分自信，过于“凡尔赛”！

Furthermore, I am sure to be an asset to your programme and, thus, the institute. My 7-year US education and extensive internship experience have provided me with a strong academic foundation and global vision, equipping me with unique insights into various sectors of the business world—all of which will serve as vivid examples in class discussion and projects.

自信是好事，但是过分自信真的会被嘲讽哦！虽然PS讲求积极自信，但是要把控好程度，避免太过“绝对”的用词和“夸大自我”的表述，以免给人留下自负的印象。过度的自我推销，很容易适得其反！最重要的是，名校的招生官或多或少会有些清高，不喜欢自视甚高或沾沾自喜的学生，毕竟人家无论是在学术上还是工作经验上都比你丰富，你凭什么要求人家“跪”着来看你凡尔赛呢？

今天的内容就分享就到这里，如果小伙伴们对留学文书有任何问题，欢迎敲敲小鸥，我一定会认真回答大家的问题哒！关于留学文书的具体写作步骤可以参考咱们往期的文章咧ヾ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ