如何写好一篇留学文书(Personal Statement/Essay) | InVisor留学解析

说明:本文首发于InVisor旧公众号。

导语:研究生申请阶段有几大硬件:GPA、语言考试成绩和GRE/GMAT。很多同学找到InVisor的导师,第一个问题就是:“我的背景能申请到什么学校?”“我拿到女神项目offer的几率有多大?”

InVisor想告诉你: 对于你能去到怎样的学校,或者的录取几率多少,从来都没有放之四海而皆准的法则——相关的因素实在太多,从你个人硬件、软件的强弱,到每年的申请趋势变化、学校招生政策的调整……

你能做的不是去猜测、预估你的录取几率,而是最大化地增加你的录取几率。

对于硬件尚有不足的同学,在我们不能改变我们自己的学校背景、GPA,甚至已经不够时间去提高雅思/托福/GRE/GMAT的分数的情况下,文书的重要性不言而喻;而对于硬件出色的同学来说,要让你在同样出色的佼佼者中脱颖而出,同样需要在文书上卯足火候。


文书到底应该怎么写?


首先,InVisor的哲学始终如一:作为申请者,你文书的核心理应是你自己,而非任何第三方;因此,InVisor的角色不应该是取代你来完成申请,而是引导你们一步步完成这篇灵魂之作,并与你一起精益求精地修改,直到文书水准超出目标项目的要求。

其次,我们不应该孤立地关注一篇PS、Essay或CV,而应该从文书的整体性出发。你提交的简历CV、推荐信和Personal Statement/Essay从来都是一个完整的组合,它们需要相互配合,相辅相成,一起来讲出一个个故事,塑造你的形象,共同向招生官展示一个鲜活的你。再者,不同学校、不同招生官招生标准不同,因此很难绝对化地说哪个更重要。即使大家都觉得Personal Statement重要,还是有一些招生官表示,他们习惯先看CV,然后再决定是否仔细看你的Personal Statement。

InVisor建议,如无特殊的情况下,先写CV(北美和欧洲定义有别,此处统一将Resume归为CV),因为这可以帮助你系统地整理你过往的所有经历,激发你的回忆和思考。需要注意的是,研究生申请的CV与求职CV不同。第一,它的篇幅不一定要限定在一页;第二,最好有学术研究经历(Research Experience)、获奖经历和丰富的课外活动。

第二步是推荐信。你要鼓励推荐人在给你写推荐信前,思考清楚怎样才能更好地展现你优势;在这之前,你得为对方的写作提供足够的素材。如果是你自己先写初稿,则需要给每封推荐信安排好固定的角色(即需要具体描述的方面、经历、特征和亮点),它们须注意不要彼此在内容上重复,但可以相互论证佐证。

最后,是异曲同工的Personal Statement和Essay。PS相对Essay更加宽泛和自由,它的核心职能更偏向于以一条或多条线索连接“你”和你的目标项目。请注意,匹配永远是最重要的,而非一味地谈论自己认为自己有的优势,甚至像流水账一样罗列本应该放在CV里的一条条经历。所以,请一定要先以一个具体的项目作为目标,然后提供你的目标项目匹配的点,最后逐渐在Personal Statement中展开。

部分学校要求的提交Essay,可以理解成命题小作文,多见于北美的大学及欧洲顶尖的商学院。Essay往往在内容、结构、表现手法和语言上与Personal Statement类似,但更加精简,并专注于一个特定的话题。写Essay,请务必注意审题。InVisor的导师接触到的很多Essay初稿,表达和内容都不错,但答非所问。试想一下,如果招生官发现你连几句话的Essay题目都没能理解,那他该如何相信你能出色地完成研究生阶段的学术学习?

本部分将以Personal Statement为例子展开,谈谈写一篇文书的步骤。


动笔前


1. 深入思考:

执笔之前,请尝试回答以下表格中的问题:

(下方表格仅仅供你开拓写作思路,你的PS中不一定要涉及里面所有的内容。来源:《InVisor PS问题表 2016.8》)

InVisor PS问题表

2. 设计线索和大纲:

初步列出你想在Personal Statement里面呈现的内容,完成故事的线索和大纲。

注:Personal Statement写作没有通用的结构法则——换言之,你可以以任何结构顺序来展现你自己,只要能表现到位。下图是一种比较常用的结构。来源:《InVisor文书写作指南V3》:


InVisor PS文书修改

开始动笔


3. 完善初稿:

现在开始完善每部分的内容(还记得高中语文老师教的写作方法吗?英文写作同样适用)。如果你有多个论点,则注意需要用例子或思考来论证每个论点(举例论证、道理论证、对比论证······),并结合你个人的思考,完成第一篇初稿。

如果你以文学性方式展开你的PS(例如散文、记叙文文体),则注意用一条明确的线索贯穿始终,做到形散神不散。很多同学都会告诉我们说,我的初稿真的很烂,能不能你们帮忙写。但其实初稿真的没有那么重要。但初稿可以帮你打开语言表达的通路,将抽象思维转换成文字语言。所以,勇敢地动笔写吧!

案例1

此处我们额外谈谈中国申请者的PS中最常见的一个问题:将PS写成CV,即在段落里罗列各种经历,仿佛流水账一般。例如:

“我在大学阶段积累了丰富的课外活动经验。首先,我参加了···,获得了···;随后,我在···完成了···;最后,我踊跃报名···。这些经历提升了我的综合能力,使我成为一名出色的申请者。” (反面教材,请勿参考)

在写作上,这是很有逻辑性的陈述,但它出现在PS里面就令招生官打瞌睡了。PS中的经历描写是很重要的,但请挑重点经历出来着重描写!请好好地讲好你的一个或几个故事,而非罗列经历。试想一下,如果你拿这样的PS来演讲,台下有多少人会玩手机?

我们看看申请到沃顿商学院的Lisa是怎么在Essay中用细节描述“在母亲的塑造下,自己变得独立而坚强”的吧:

I grew up in a four-room apartment in the middle of Beijing…..(省略)My life was simple. At five years old, it was differentiated by two things, the times I was with my mother and the times I was not…..(省略). I remember nights we would spend together when she was busy with her research and classes; I would sit in a desk next to her, drawing pictures and imagine that I was her personal assistant. I also remember times when I had to stay home alone because she had a lecture to give or errands to run; I would lean against the window sill staring down into the bleak, concrete streets waiting and watching for the return of a petite form in a bright red jacket. Yet despite the forlorn days and the lonely nights, I feel neither regret nor resentment towards those early years or my mother. On the contrary, I am incredibly proud and grateful for all the difficulties she endured in order to raise me properly. Had it not been for my childhood experiences, I would not have matured at such an early age or developed such a strong sense of independence.(Source: 50 Successful Ivy League Application Essays)

上面的描述,都不适合放在CV中;相反,它们更适合于PS写作。通过本段及前后文大量的细节描写,Lisa成功地描绘了自己童年移居美国后的成长故事,塑造了自己独立、坚强的性格和对新环境的适应力。

请思考一下,如果你想表现自己的“领导力”,你是平淡地陈述4条自己过往的社团实习经历,还是集中写好自己某一条或某几条经历呢?

Less is more, right?



完善,完善,再完善


4. 反复修改:

Essay、Personal Statement这种东西,可能一开始会让人觉得无从下手,但其实有了思路之后,开始动笔写,就会轻松很多,随后就是反反复复地修改了。修改常常比初稿本身重要得多。就像William Zinsser在写作经典On Writing Well一书中提到的,“The essence of writing is rewriting”,好的写作有赖于反反复复地动笔修改。

反复修改的过程,可以有与你一起申请的小伙伴、你的同学朋友,当然最好有native speaker。对中国人而言,除了专家级专家级英语人士,大多数同学即使英语再“好”,也难以避免写作中的中式英语(“The work of all but the most highly trained and experienced will inevitably contain elements of Chinglish” -- 外交部语言审校官Joan Pinkham评论中式英语)。

案例2

如下是InVisor的外籍导师的修改案例(如需查看截图前的原稿,请邮件联系admin@invisor.me)。

1. 这篇500字的文书推荐信出现了不少英语语言上的典型问题。我们的一名InVisor外籍导师(Peter, Language Assesor)据此提供了50余条评论,每个评论都说明要修改什么,为什么做此修改。这也涉及了更换词语,修改结构,补充内容,以及删减冗余信息等诸多方面。

InVisor PS文书修改案例

2. 而这篇Personal Statement的问题则主要是内容不完善。在审阅了PS初稿后,导师(Warren, PhD)向这位同学提了十几个针对性的问题;基于同学的回答,导师对全文大部分内容进行了修改和调整,以娓娓道来的形式塑造该同学的形象和对自身、对未来的思考。此外,还将英文转换成了英式英语的表达风格,以便迎合同学申请目标。


InVisor PS文书修改案例

优秀Essay案例分析


(说明:这是2015年申请巴黎高等商学院HEC的GE项目8篇Essay中的第一篇。出于对同学隐私的保护,我们在获得该同学同意后,选择了这篇不含个人信息的Essay用于分析)

很多学校要求学生提供命题的Essay,而非一封自由发挥的Personal Statement。Essay的内容和架构原理上和PS是相似的,我们需要学会的,是如何通过项目提供的题目提示,来写出一封能动容招生官的文章。

Essay题目:Describe, in descending order, your 3 most important interests? Justify your answer (limit your answer to 1000 characters spacing included)?

同学初稿:

Three interests—Academic research, entrepreneurship as well as language acquisitions outweigh the others. I put academic research in the first place due to my enchantment for my learning fields—management, especially in human resources and finance. Quietly fascinated about social science which functions as a force for social efficiency and value distribution, I started my two major academic certificate researches in both human resources (investigating proper incentives for employees during different pressure levels in a local Chinese private company) and finance (evaluating debatable land finance and housing tax policy in China. I was satisfied --when quantitative methods combining abundant paper references leads to the project completion. Secondly entrepreneurship, I ran an English training education program where I applied management theories (organization design and marketing strategies), while language acquisition is also my taste to strengthen cross-cultural communication ability.

InVisor导师(Katie, Harvard)批判性评价:

优势:

1. 内容符合题目要求,研究兴趣和项目(management in human resources and finance)匹配。

2. 不仅说了兴趣,更提供了具体例子来支持论点。例子与该同学的CV中的学术经历相辅相成。

3. 思路比较清晰,架构明确,逻辑的衔接也比较顺畅。

初步劣势分析:

语言可读性不强;关于能力、经历和未来目标的细节不足。

(The essays could be stronger by improving the readability and offering more details and descriptions about the applicant’s skills, experiences, and future goals. )

进一步劣势分析:

1. 为什么对Human resource和Finance 感兴趣? 本文未能说明。

2. 创业是该同学的一大特色,是他的比较优势(Comparative Advantage),需要更详细说明,以便与其他申请者区分开来:创业学会了什么,具体做了什么? 这比详细描述研究经历本身更能加分。

3. “语言学习”的信息不足,且与前面经历的描写完全不成比例,需要补充。

4. 学校询问Interests,是希望全方位看待一个学生,从课外活动看出一个人的特质。因此,这三个要点本身是否需要替换成其他的兴趣爱好,仍需讨论。

5. 语言可读性和准确性不足。

此外,导师还对申请者补充了如下问题:

1. 你是如何产生对管理的兴趣的?有什么个人、教育及职业发展上的经历促成你的兴趣?(How did you become interested in the field of management? What personal, educational, and professional experiences led to this interest? )

2. 你从英语培训的这个经历中学到了什么?它帮助你培养了什么技能?(What did you learn from the experience of running an English training program? What skills did this experience help you develop? )

修改后:

Academic research, entrepreneurship, and acquiring languages are my primary interests. I place academic research first, due to my life-long intellectual curiosity about management, especially in human resources and finance. Always having been fascinated with the ways in which social scientific issues influence social efficiency and value distribution, I undertook two academic programmes: in human resources, investigating incentives offered to employees during various stressful situations in a local Chinese private company, and in finance, evaluating land finance and housing tax policy in China. My interest in entrepreneurship comes from my early business attempts after high school. By applying the basic project management and marketing strategies acquired through self-study, I successfully established an English training centre with my teammates—it is one thing to proclaim a business idea, quite another to carry it out, and this is where entrepreneurship attracts me the most. Finally, I love learning new languages, whether it be English, Spanish or French. Language is an interesting tool that enables me to better communicate with others from foreign cultures.

部分修改的解释说明:

1. The student could’ve justified his/her interests in other ways besides work experiences – e.g. having networked with an influential person. Likewise, too much of the essay was focused on the first interest. This could’ve been intentional, but a good balance doesn’t hurt.

2. Remove some of the examples from the academic research section, and add more examples and substantive thoughts to the entrepreneurial and language sections. If I knew more about the author’s goals in life, I might be able to give more tailored advice.

3. Someone who is judging your work might not care whether you were happy/satisfied with something. Focus on what discovery or solution to a problem the research accomplished.

4. “As well as” usually is used to connect two long phrases or lists that already contain smaller combination words like ‘and’. For example: apples, oranges, and cherries as well as bananas, mangoes, and pears. That phrase also might convey pretentiousness or showmanship more than formality.

5. “Quietly fascinated” is an unusual way to say (I interpret) that something is private, personal, or a latent undercurrent.

6. The word ‘enchantment’ is a bit old-fashioned and obscure. Intellectual curiosity, which is a quality that many professors I know associate with success as an academic researcher, or long-term or life-long preoccupation or interest, might be better.

7. ‘Proper’ indicates a propriety or etiquette judgment, such as by a society/culture, legal system, government, etc. In what sense were the incentives proper?

8. Be aware that ‘organization’ is US English. In UK English, it would be organisation. Change all language into English language since HEC is an Europe university.

其实,要在1000个字符(1000 characters spacing included) 内清晰地阐述完所有内容是比较困难的,所以在修改的时候注意详略适当,注意补充和突出重点内容。同时,其他没有办法呈现但是有很有意义的内容,我们可以在推荐信、CV等地方补充说明。



InVisor国际教育 | 引路名校,赋能起点
InVisor国际教育 | 引路名校,赋能起点
InVisor是一个由名校海归创立的教育品牌,团队成员覆盖4大洲近10个国家的教授、招生官、名校校友。InVisor国精于高品质的国际教育规划、科研活动和留学申请,助力学生录取世界名校,实现更好的个人发展。

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