I grew up in a four-room apartment in the middle of Beijing…..(省略)My life was simple. At five years old, it was differentiated by two things, the times I was with my mother and the times I was not…..(省略). I remember nights we would spend together when she was busy with her research and classes; I would sit in a desk next to her, drawing pictures and imagine that I was her personal assistant. I also remember times when I had to stay home alone because she had a lecture to give or errands to run; I would lean against the window sill staring down into the bleak, concrete streets waiting and watching for the return of a petite form in a bright red jacket. Yet despite the forlorn days and the lonely nights, I feel neither regret nor resentment towards those early years or my mother. On the contrary, I am incredibly proud and grateful for all the difficulties she endured in order to raise me properly. Had it not been for my childhood experiences, I would not have matured at such an early age or developed such a strong sense of independence.(Source: 50 Successful Ivy League Application Essays)
Essay、Personal Statement这种东西，可能一开始会让人觉得无从下手，但其实有了思路之后，开始动笔写，就会轻松很多，随后就是反反复复地修改了。修改常常比初稿本身重要得多。就像William Zinsser在写作经典On Writing Well一书中提到的，“The essence of writing is rewriting”，好的写作有赖于反反复复地动笔修改。
反复修改的过程，可以有与你一起申请的小伙伴、你的同学朋友，当然最好有native speaker。对中国人而言，除了专家级专家级英语人士，大多数同学即使英语再“好”，也难以避免写作中的中式英语（“The work of all but the most highly trained and experienced will inevitably contain elements of Chinglish” -- 外交部语言审校官Joan Pinkham评论中式英语）。
Essay题目：Describe, in descending order, your 3 most important interests? Justify your answer (limit your answer to 1000 characters spacing included)?
Three interests—Academic research, entrepreneurship as well as language acquisitions outweigh the others. I put academic research in the first place due to my enchantment for my learning fields—management, especially in human resources and finance. Quietly fascinated about social science which functions as a force for social efficiency and value distribution, I started my two major academic certificate researches in both human resources (investigating proper incentives for employees during different pressure levels in a local Chinese private company) and finance (evaluating debatable land finance and housing tax policy in China. I was satisfied --when quantitative methods combining abundant paper references leads to the project completion. Secondly entrepreneurship, I ran an English training education program where I applied management theories (organization design and marketing strategies), while language acquisition is also my taste to strengthen cross-cultural communication ability.
1. 内容符合题目要求，研究兴趣和项目(management in human resources and finance)匹配。
(The essays could be stronger by improving the readability and offering more details and descriptions about the applicant’s skills, experiences, and future goals. )
1. 你是如何产生对管理的兴趣的？有什么个人、教育及职业发展上的经历促成你的兴趣？（How did you become interested in the field of management? What personal, educational, and professional experiences led to this interest? ）
2. 你从英语培训的这个经历中学到了什么？它帮助你培养了什么技能？（What did you learn from the experience of running an English training program? What skills did this experience help you develop? ）
Academic research, entrepreneurship, and acquiring languages are my primary interests. I place academic research first, due to my life-long intellectual curiosity about management, especially in human resources and finance. Always having been fascinated with the ways in which social scientific issues influence social efficiency and value distribution, I undertook two academic programmes: in human resources, investigating incentives offered to employees during various stressful situations in a local Chinese private company, and in finance, evaluating land finance and housing tax policy in China. My interest in entrepreneurship comes from my early business attempts after high school. By applying the basic project management and marketing strategies acquired through self-study, I successfully established an English training centre with my teammates—it is one thing to proclaim a business idea, quite another to carry it out, and this is where entrepreneurship attracts me the most. Finally, I love learning new languages, whether it be English, Spanish or French. Language is an interesting tool that enables me to better communicate with others from foreign cultures.
1. The student could’ve justified his/her interests in other ways besides work experiences – e.g. having networked with an influential person. Likewise, too much of the essay was focused on the first interest. This could’ve been intentional, but a good balance doesn’t hurt.
2. Remove some of the examples from the academic research section, and add more examples and substantive thoughts to the entrepreneurial and language sections. If I knew more about the author’s goals in life, I might be able to give more tailored advice.
3. Someone who is judging your work might not care whether you were happy/satisfied with something. Focus on what discovery or solution to a problem the research accomplished.
4. “As well as” usually is used to connect two long phrases or lists that already contain smaller combination words like ‘and’. For example: apples, oranges, and cherries as well as bananas, mangoes, and pears. That phrase also might convey pretentiousness or showmanship more than formality.
5. “Quietly fascinated” is an unusual way to say (I interpret) that something is private, personal, or a latent undercurrent.
6. The word ‘enchantment’ is a bit old-fashioned and obscure. Intellectual curiosity, which is a quality that many professors I know associate with success as an academic researcher, or long-term or life-long preoccupation or interest, might be better.
7. ‘Proper’ indicates a propriety or etiquette judgment, such as by a society/culture, legal system, government, etc. In what sense were the incentives proper?
8. Be aware that ‘organization’ is US English. In UK English, it would be organisation. Change all language into English language since HEC is an Europe university.